30th november. CHANGED MY MIND!!!!

okay.. so i woke up at around 10.40am!!! i'm so glad that i'm able to sleep for atleast 8 hours ! i think its because i don't have to worry about school lolz!! watched thai drama of P Ann and P Ken !i love it so much! i'm nearly finish with it >< !!

tidied my room..
its hard to explain.. its hard for me to understand everything thats happening right now..
i'm not in my sis position so i can't exactly understand what she's going through even though were living together.. i mean, she doesn't really allow me to know many things.. cox i'm still a kid in her eyes.. so i'm just assuming that shes not happy.!!
I'm right!, she's sick of everything! she told me!!! . We only pretty much argue about 'tidiness' !!! like everything has to be perfect... i think that its totally good for her that she's super tidy.. but i think i'm tidy but m not as tidy as her.. so she would want me to try and be more tidier.. so i think i tried my hardest .. well at least this is all i think i can do at this stage.. but its still not up to her expectations!! so its hard.. because i know that shes just trying to be a good sis who's trying to teach her sis to be more tidier!!.. but i just think that its more better if i learn how to do everything and be even more tidier as i grow up while i'm still forming my identity ! ... since i'm just being me, myself everyday.. who is not super tidy (as i mentioned earlier) .. so we pretty much have to argue everyday!! >< and when we argue.. i would talk back to her because i want to explain my points ...but since shes older..i'm wrong ( in our culture).
everything feels different today..
the way she talks, what she does.. i don't know.. everything that she does now.. i was kind of used to it..but now..its just way too much.. so tonight,,right now, the way i think of our relationships as being sisters are now changing ( it will probably change again, in the future..)..before i used to let things go very easily.. even now but with other things.. but at this point i just don't think that we are as close as how we used to be last year so i'm taking this pretty seriously...
shes taking care of me.. n shes working and paying for everything.. i'm just assuming that she's only doing this because shes my older sister .. and mum told her to take care of me.. i just feel like she wouldn't do this if it wasn't for mum and therefore doesn't really love me as much ><. i'm assuming this because she havn't given me a clear answer about why she's doing this for.!
Nearly everywhere that she goes now.. i cant go.
I talk nice to her, i love her because of the way she is.. and no matter wat she does.. i still don't hate her and i still feel like i love her.. but whenever we argue.. the way we talk to each other changes..so she would consider me as being rude.. okay i can understand where she is comin from.
She's always not happy with who i am..
because she's working and doesn't have time to look after me.. i feel like i'm taking care of myself now...
we don't really talk now..
it feels like .. this is her and this is me. .. i mean like it is as if we are really separated with everything even though we live together.. like if this is yours and this is mine type thing.. ><
since i think that i'm not making her happy.. she's starting to make me feel like if i have to be mean to her.. as if i have to say no to her when she wana borrow my stuff.. and make me not want to go shopping or any where with her... make me just wana care about myself and not her!.

i can't remember much.. but she told me that .. a few years ago.. whenever she wana borrow something of me.. i wouldn't lend it to her! Now, i'm older.. i know when i should say yes and when i should say no to these kinds of things..so normally i would lend her everything that she asks me for (now)..but for her..its like if she can't forget everything from the past.. its like if she wana take a revenge on me .. for the rest of her life or something.. because shes pretty harsh on me.. she would mostly say no to everything that i want or asks for..><
it makes me feel really sad.. because for me.. (she told me that i always want things to be my way) maybe because shes right.. m not sure.. but i would feel really touched.. happy and i would think that this is what you call 'love' and 'caring'. So if she says no.. its like if theres no love or caring from her for me..>< because it happens nearly every time ( like if theres never a yes)
i would like to think of everything as if its just wat most of the older sisters does...but i just can't..>i can't really talk to her about school, life, frens etc..
Its complicated..
so now.. i seriously just don't know how i'm gona handle everything or what i'm gona do nxt year.. if everything is still the same as now!!

xx